“Measure twice, cut once.”

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A few of you may have noticed a teeny weeny ‘technical’ bit that I contributed to ‘Kath the Quilter’s blog. It was all about measuring an angle of fifteen degrees. I’m sorry that I may have confused a few ladies (and gentlemen), but these mathematical calculations are an every day  occurrence to us engineers. I was good at trigonometry at school and loved anything mathematical. This is a rather unusual piece of marquetry I did as teenager.

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All made from thin wood veneers. I worked to a published plan, 

so I can’t claim it was my design.

Now days if  I am given an engineering problem in the workshop, I sit down and work it all out on paper first. I then work it out a second time, just to be sure. 

My old woodwork master at school used to say, “Measure twice, cut once.”

I’m sure that could also prove true before cutting out quilt materials?

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A part of my collection of woodworking rules.

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Well today I thought that I had better make amends for all this serious stuff and do one of my ‘light-hearted’ posts, just to prove that mathematics and engineering have a funny side too.

  

Here’s a tale for you.

Once upon a time, three Red Indian squaws who were expecting their first children went to the tribe's Medicine Man for a blessing.

He said to the first squaw: "You must obtain the hide of a buffalo and give birth lying on it".

To the second he said : "You must obtain the hide of a bear and give birth lying on it".

To the third he said : "You must obtain the hide of a hippopotamus and give birth lying on it".

After they'd all had their papooses, the first two squaws felt that the third squaw was more blessed because she'd had twins.

They went to the Medicine Man to complain about the blessing, but he said to them : -

"I thought everybody knew that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides".

This is of course only amusing to those of you who remember from their school days, that the “square of the hypotenuse, is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides.”

Groans all round I guess?  This is how one schoolboy found ‘x’!

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But seriously, angles can be interesting.

It was in fact my mother, believe it or not, that got me interested in cutting precise angles. In the 50’s with just us three boys, things had to be shared out equally to avoid any arguments and fights. You know the sort of thing; “Aw, he’s got a bigger piece than me.” Well, Mom used to give us a knife and say, one of you can cut the cake up, and the others can have first choice of the pieces!

I promise you that I can, still to this day, divide things into a precise number of pieces.

I can still take piece of wood, and cut it into say three or five perfect pieces without a rule.   

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And some metalworking rules.

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I have to admit that I passed all my Maths papers at O level and A level, but I did start to struggle a bit when studying engineering at university. 

Boy was it hard! No cutting cake into equal segments there! 

I remember one day hearing about these two engineering students who were cycling across the university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

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Wonderful old bike!

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All engineering graduates just love mechanical things.

That is not to say that there were not other things in our curriculum.

We did manage to find time for ‘liquid refreshment’ of course, but even then, we were not detached from engineering.

You see,

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

But to the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

But as you can imagine, after a ‘few jars’ of Mitchell & Butlers best, anything could happen. 

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"Oh! Go on! Give us a kiss."

In those days many a good tale was told in the ‘Slug & Lettuce’.

I had an engineering friend on my course, who recalled how he was crossing the Bristol road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." My mate took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, he took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" My friend said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

So here I am today, a garden full of frogs and hedgehogs, a workshop full of angles, tools and machinery and not a ‘girl’ in sight!

Which reminds me, talking of ‘girls & sight‘.

The other day I was coming back up the road from the shops, with a ‘chicken motive’ tie I had bought for 50p from the local Hospice shop, when I saw this glass eye fall from a window above.

I just managed to catch it before it smashed on the pavement. I looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.  

"Is this yours?" I asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" So of course, as she couldn’t see very well, I agreed. 

After puffing up a flight of stairs, she was profuse in her thanks and she offered me a drink. As she was very attractive, I agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" 

As I was a near-starving-pensioner, I readily accepted her offer and we both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" 

Of course I hesitated, I had Wesley to feed, so I said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" 

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

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Well by now you must be thinking that poor old Uncle Bernard has gone completely ‘off his trolley’. 

You could be right, but don’t forget it takes one, to recognise one, or so I believe?

But, during my last visit to my  doctor, I asked him, 

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?"

"Well,"  he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a  teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bath."

"Oh, I understand," I  said. "A normal person would use the bucket, because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

 "No" he said. "A normal  person would pull the bath-plug out!

And, then calmly handed me an application form!

And talking of trolleys, this is what I have been making this last week.

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A super-dooper four wheeled Organ trolley with pneumatic tyres!

(And yes, the handle is/was an old 'rolling-pin.)

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"Pussycat. Pussycat, where have you been?"

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I know. I know.

Where have I been?

It started off with monitor problems.

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"Bugger it" I thought,

I can't be bothered, after all I've got so many

other things piling up in the background.

I expect it is because I use VISTA,

 a 'Visibly Inferior System To Apple's'?

I went back to painting the Organ front.

I needed some indoor jobbies as all it has done

for the last three or four weeks, is rain.

It has not been as bad here, 

as up in the 'Land of the wild and vicious Haggis'.

The weather maps clearly show us

where all the hosepipe bans are in force!

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RAIN MAP % of AVERAGE

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I did hear someone tell a joke the other day,

about Solar panels.

I can't remember how it went, but I did read about this Scottish farmer who woke up one freezing cold morning last week to find his entire herd of cows frozen in the field. Rushing outside, he tried everything he could to revive them without any success.

The farmer was distraught and he was wandering around in a daze when a familiar looking old lady walked past and asked if she could help.

The farmer explained the situation and the little old lady told him not to worry and she would see if she could help.

She proceeded to breathe lightly on each cow's nose and rub gently until the cow started to thaw.

Eventually, the entire herd had come back to life.

The farmer was so overjoyed he offered to reward to old lady but she refused saying she was pleased to have helped.

The old lady started to leave but the farmer called out "If you won't let me reward you, at least tell me your name"

"Thora Hird" replied the old lady.

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See! It's not only wet up there, but cold as well.

(only joking).

Which reminds me, I wonder how Ann is getting on

with keeping her hedgehogs warm & dry? 

I was planting up my tomatoes in the greenhouse the other day,

when I heard a rustling sound from under the bench.

Yes, Mrs Tiggywinkle had woken up.

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Not a very good pic I'm afraid,

but I didn't like to disturb her too much.

I am putting out Wesley's leftovers at night,

and it is all gone next morning.

What other news do I have?

Oh yes, do you remember how Hazel used to

spend hours sitting on her pot(ty)?

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Well I planted it up with Cowslips

which have all come up

and given a very good display. Bless her.

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And then of course at this time of the year, and with

all this rain everyone's had

the garden is going wild!

To be fair, this was last year.

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A sort of 'before' picture.

And this is last week.

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An 'after' picture.

Four rows of spuds, two of 'earlies'

and two of 'main crop'.

There are also carrots, parsnips and leeks in there somewhere.

I've put in chives, parsley and other herbs

down in this front bit.

Oh yes, and two rhubarb roots.

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Sometime back I remember someone asking -

"Do you remember those big 'Sweetie' jars?"

Well I remembered as I bought half a dozen

about forty years ago for a shilling each.

They are in my garden shed housing my

'Blood, Fish & Bone' and other Gardener's goodies!

So you see, I have been kept very busy.

Now as you were all very kind about

all my previous videos, I thought I would do

another for you based on efforts in the garden.

Wesley supervised the video shots 

and the 'songs' were performed by

Ronnie Ronalde in 1949.

Sit back and get a dose of this.

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Now wasn't that brilliant?

Fancy being able to whistle like a bird,

in tune and to music.

Fantastic.

And my veggies aren't bad either!

O well, 

now the sun's come out,

I suppose, 

I'd better,

get back to work.

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Take care everyone.

Especially those north of Adrian's Wall.

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Rub-a-dub-dub. Two in a Tub,

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Hose pipe bans again?

It must be that time of the year I guess.

We are continually told that it is due to lack of rainfall, but I recon it is more likely due to an increase in the population, especially here in the south east of England. I expect we will all be asked, in a week or two, to ‘share a bath’ or more likely ‘share a shower’.

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There is actually a ‘Share a Shower’ campaign with Facebook pages. (whatever that means?).

Way back in the ‘good old days’, sharing baths and using second-hand bath water was quite normal. In the late 40’s, early 50’s most people were a bit hard up and it cost quite a few bob to use the immersion heater to fill a bath. Friday night was bath night and us three boys all piled in together. I was the eldest and as I grew larger there was not room for three so my two brothers were washed first and I had their second hand water!

The Great Western Railway had an engine named “The Knight of the Bath”.

This was always nicknamed “Friday Night” by the engine drivers.

So where is all this leading?

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Well, I was going to do a post on ‘Bubbles’ as in ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ but found I had already done one here.

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Two and a half years ago! How time flies.

You see, on sorting out all my old photos I had come across a picture of a wee carving I had done of a seahorse. It was done in about 1976 and I gave it away to my then ‘girl of the month’ who thought it really nice. It didn’t have a stand and she asked it I could make one with the words ’Oh Bubbles’ on the base.

The things us chaps have to do to keep you ladies happy.

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I was glad I found the picture - it brought back happy memories.

And there were even more memories of those days as I sorted out my collection of old LP’s. To make more room, I am gradually converting them to CD’s and giving the old records to the charity shops (and brothers to sell on eBay).

Some of these discs haven’t been ’given a spin’ for thirty years, but of course sounded as good as new. The one that did make me smile and gave me the idea for todays wee video was Meri Wilson singing ’Rub-a-dub-dub, two in a tub’.

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See, there were even water shortages way back in 1977.

As children the words used to be along the lines of -

“Rub-a-dub-dub,

Three men in a tub,

And who do you think they be?

The butcher, the baker,

The candlestick-maker,

All put out to sea.”

So, here we go, for your entertainment and maybe approval, Meri Wilson singing ’Rub-a-dub-dub’.

Any resemblance to Uncle B in the following is pure coincidence.

(Oh yes, and no blowing it up to full size for a better view!)

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He,he,he.

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"There's Always Room at our House"

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When is a ‘bedroom’, not a bedroom?

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In my case, when it’s a ’Music-room’.

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When I bought this bungalow, twenty years ago, it was described as a bulk standard, three bedroom bung. with lounge and dining room. 

(And before you ask? Yes, I have a kitchen and bathroom too.) 

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Well, four cats and their servant don’t need three bedrooms, 

even though the cats preferred sleeping well apart. 

I kept one as a ’spare’ bedroom, as you would, 

but not many ‘spare’ people turned up to try out my hospitality, 

or share with Wesley!

Although quite a few turned up to try out the music room!

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I also didn’t really like eating alone in a separate dining room, so the ‘dinner table’ was planted down one end of the lounge. 

The dining room was fitted out with shelves to house my lifetime collection of books. 

(I throw very little away you see!)

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As I never eat in there, I called it my ‘Library‘.

Even this is not now large enough 

and cookery books have ended up in the kitchen, 

music books have ended up in the music room 

and gardening books have ended up…….

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...at the local Hospice shop!

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Over the years, I have also collected a huge quantity of sheet music and a fair scattering of strange musical instruments, 

from an Appalachian  Dulcimer 

to Scottish bagpipe practice chanters!   

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Appalachian  Dulcimer

and below a

selection of 'Bells and Whistles'!

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Two bagpipe chanters (left).

There is also my harp, banjos, mandolins, 

guitar and five concertinas. 

I used to have a harmonium as well, 

but some years ago swapped it for a piano. 

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Harmonium on it's way out,

to make room for the piano.

Of course when I built the little street organ, 

I had to find room for that and the ‘sixty odd’ paper music rolls.

So, one of the ‘bedrooms’ became the ’Music’ room.

The so-called ‘spare bedroom’ now houses the PC and all it’s hangers-on.

(Printer, Scanner, Cassette converter, Disc (LP) converter and the latest addition - a VHS tape converter.)

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All my LP's are now re-worked

as CD's.

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One last spin and then down the Hospice shop!

So, when the 2011 census turned up, 

I said I lived alone in a One bedroom bung. 

(They didn’t ask about the cats.)

And of course it doesn’t end there  either. 

The conservatory, houses the washing machine and freezers so it’s really a ‘Utility’ room! 

And, the garage does not contain a car - 

but is really my ‘Hobby room’! 

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Yes, carpet!

It’s actually a workshop, 

but I don’t want the council to think I run a business from here!

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A while back I was asked, 

“What’s your next project, now that you’ve finished the Organ?”

Well, I have a huge backlog of things to do.

There is the model traction engine waiting for me for a start.

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1/4 size Burrell Steam Traction Engine.

And then there is the Symphonion musical box that needs a bit of TLC.

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Hmm. I think it might be the disc Symphonion next.

So to finish, here’s the Symphonion accompanying

 you on a wee tour of my music room. 

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Any volunteers to do the dusting?

Apologies for the sound quality.
That was the real music box
playing live,
and she, like me,
is very old!

Always check the Small Print

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I have discovered that I don’t really need to buy a local paper anymore for the local news,

unless I want to buy a second-hand fridge, that is.

The papers are mostly all free on-line now,

although you don‘t usually get a £5 Tesco voucher thrown in.

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This weeks roundup

from the Local Rags included :-

‘Thame Gazette’ reporting that a lorry has shed its 5 ton load of onions all over the south bound carriageway of the M40 near Banbury.

The Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on!

‘Bucks Free Press’ carries a report that all three toilet seats had been stolen from the Police station in Princes Risborough over the weekend.

A Police spokesman said “This is very baffling, we’ve got nothing to go on!“

The ‘Maidenhead Advertiser’ reported that Angus O’Smith had been charged with murder, for killing a man with sandpaper. He pleaded ‘Not guilty’ and said that he’d only intended to rough him up a bit.

‘Thame Today’ mentioned that a bakers in Haddenham is refusing to disclose how much salt they put in their bread.

They said this information was only made available on a knead-to-know basis.

And from the ‘Buckinghamshire Examiner‘.

“An East European cleaning lady is taking her manager to court for unfair dismissal.

The company gave her the sack because it took her 5 hours to hoover just one office floor.

It turns out she was a Slovak!”

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But, I’m told, we are about to enter an even more exciting new age.

I was reading a bit in one of the ‘big boys’ papers -

“There is a massive opportunity for content producers and media providers to start to bring TV viewers into ecosystems specifically designed as part of the content they are watching, and deliver a richer experience. “

This means that if you watch a cookery program they will assume you are a ‘foodie’ and bombard you with adverts linked to food products.

The report continued -

“This sort of ‘Interactive TV’ is already here – is just doesn’t happen through your TV.” (yet!)

“Web and social media teams exist in marketing departments, and are focused on creating fans and getting people to watch the TV programs (and the ad breaks), buy the DVD, go to the movie theatre.”

I’m sure this is already happening on-line, as ever since I read various reports about the Concordia fiasco, loads of annoying little adverts on quite a few sites, have been showing me -

Cruise Holiday Offers!

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I don’t think I’ll bother this year, thank you very much!

And, I’m not actually very keen for buying things on-line.

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You see for me, there are just too many things to go wrong.

I’m one of those people who ‘attract disaster’ when sending off for things through the post.

Wrong colour, wrong size or just plain just

‘won’t work’!

If you get it from a real shop at least you can take it back, rather than having to wrap it up, cart it down the PO and pay for the return postage.

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The other thing that puts me off ,is having to punch your Debit card number into the ’bowels’ of the internet.

It’s bad enough having people watching you key in your PIN in shops and garages.

Actually, I now always pay cash for petrol, as the garage here in Bourne End was one of those caught ‘fishing’ for people’s card numbers and PINs.

I trust the ’big’ utilities.

Well you don‘t really get much choice do you?

Thames Water have just written to me to say next years Direct Debit will be £54 a month.

With the letter was leaflet from Oxfam, for ‘Aid for Africa’.

They said a £2 donation will provide a whole African village with enough water for a month.

Mmmmm,

Perhaps I should switch supplier!

This technology thing is taking over I fear. ‘Smart meters, smart phones, smart cards so that you don’t need cash anymore.

Where is it going to end?

Here’s another thing that could easily go wrong -

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“LG Smart Fridge – Launched at the CES show in Las Vegas this year,

the refrigerator has a health manager feature

to help you diet

which includes automatic re-ordering

from your online grocery account

(via bar code scanner),

displaying healthy recipes on the screen

and

communicating with a smart oven

to ensure best optimal cooking time.”

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What did I tell you!

The fridge 'automatically re-ordered'
an
'Oven Ready Bird'!

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