"Give Aunty a Nice Big Kiss"

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“Come on now. Give your Aunty Alice a nice big kiss.”

That would be my Mom saying that, somewhere around 1950.

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Us lads didn’t like kissing, anymore than we liked Cod Liver Oil, but we liked our Aunties.

You see, by giving our Aunty Alice, a boyish peck on her eau de Cologne scented, heavily powdered cheek, it might result in a ‘ten bob note’ being lovingly squeezed through the slot in my money box! In those days that was ‘serious’ money to a young boy. I remember saving up £5 in my money box to buy my first bike. A bike! Just from kissing Aunties. So you see, there might be an ulterior and rather materialistic motive behind me ‘puckering up’ even to this day!

And this day is?

National Kissing Day.  July 6th .

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I’m never quite sure why we have these ‘National Days’. I usually assume it is a commercial thingie, just to sell cards and cuddly bears?

But suppose it was a day, just one day, when you could go out and kiss anyone, (in my case 120% female), without the fear of the charge of an assault being brought.

No? 

Thought not. Just wishful thinking.

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Looking back over time, I can remember my first ‘romantic’ kiss. Well you do, don’t you? In those days it was a case of ‘shall I now?’ or ’shan’t I?’ 

It was a time of ’shall I get my face slapped?’ 

Nowadays it appears to be more like 

‘Hiya honey and hop into bed‘!

We, were young gentlemen then, with short hair and clean necks.

Of course in reality,

“I’ve kissed many girls under many conditions,

I’ve kissed them both with, and without their permissions,

But never a one, for a moment compares

With the one that I kissed, in the dark, on the stairs.”

Not true in my case. 

We were on a train, alone in the compartment, 

coming back from a day out on the Malvern Hills.

I’ll say no more, but I remember it well.

I still have a photo of her, as one in a group, in my youth club day archives. 

Over fifty five years ago!

I’ll leave her there.

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Those were the days when ’lovers’ wrote SWALK on the back of envelopes (and worse)  and children played kissing games like ’Postman’s knock’. In case there is someone not ‘in the know’, SWALK is ‘Sealed with a loving kiss’ and Postman's Knock is a game played by groups of children or teenagers (?) in which one person is chosen to be the "postman", goes outside and knocks on the door. Another person is chosen by the rest of the group to answer the door, and pays for the "letter" with a kiss. Then another person is chosen to be postman, etc. 

It wasn’t a lot of fun in those days for us young budding Conker champions to be kissing girls, but a revival today here in Bourne End library, might get me and the like minded more  interested in ‘Romantic Novels’?

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I think I read about this ‘Kissing Day’ int’ Daily Telegraph, because I’m not a great reader of women’s magazines, except in the doctor’s waiting room, where anything is better that playing the guessing game ‘I wonder what’s wrong with you?

The eye-catching headline was - (here - not in the Telegraph)

‘It's official - the Brits aren't kissing enough!’ 

It continues ‘…..a staggering 95% of young women believe they aren't getting enough’!?

I’m sure that 95% of young men must also be having the same problem, not to mention the 100% of old men!

What's more, ‘nearly a quarter of women (24%) have experienced a kissing drought and gone for over a year without so much as a hint of a kiss.’ 

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Over a year without a kiss.?

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‘The average period of non-lip action is three to six months for nearly a third (30%) of women. The forecast is not so bad for a fifth (21%) of women who don't go any longer than a month without a kiss.’

As there were so many statistics I will not bore you with too many, but it appears that us British, sweep the board with nearly half (42%) of the vote for great at kissing. The Italians - the Casanovas of Europe come in second with 15%, closely followed by the French with 13%.

Probably something to do with the dreaded garlic.

C’est la vie!

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And then at the reverse ‘slobbering’ end, were the poor old Lager swilling, Sauerkraut munching Germans who came top the list of the wurst kuss’rs, with over a third (38%) of the voters saying 999. (“nein,nein,nein“). 

I did a google for facts about kissing, history of kissing, reasons for kissing. All boring stuff. It appears no-one really knows why we alone in the animal kingdom, do it. It appears that animals do engage in kissing-like behaviours but it is not proper kissing. 

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I read that human lips are different from those of all other animals because they are everted, (I checked this out and it means that they purse outward).

I’m sure there is joke in there somewhere about ‘big everted lips‘, but I’m sure you have had enough bad jokes from me lately.

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Songs are, of course, littered with the word ‘kiss‘. 

I found hundreds with ‘kiss’ in the title

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And thousands with the word ‘kiss’ in the lyrics.

But there is still only one song in my collection,

 about a poor old Gnat’s Wedding.

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A bit later, I did a google on ‘Kissing gates’, to get a bit of background info. I was surprised to find that the first page listed Dating agencies - ’Countryside Online Dating’ and ’Farmer’s Dating Site’ - all named ‘The Kissing Gate’!

This is my idea of a kissing gate.

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I had always thought that they got their name from the fact that a young man could steal a kiss from his young lass as she passed through. But no. It appears that the etymology of the name is that the gate merely "kisses" (touches) the enclosure either side, rather than needing to be securely latched.

This ‘touching’ would also explain the term in snooker and billiards where one ball glances off another, as in - ‘a kiss off the black‘.

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I was going to investigate why we put xxx’s on the bottom of letters. I have no idea, but I think I have rambled on long enough. 

I have to admit that I’m not ‘into’ this new continental habit that seems to have caught on over here. 

Cheek to cheek with a complete stranger and making kissing noises into each others ears!

No thanks!

How about a good old fashioned hug?

There's something in a simple hug

That always warms the heart;

It welcomes us back home

Makes it easier to part.

A hug's a way to share the joy,

And sad times we go through,

Or just a way for friends to say

They like you, 'cause you're you.

It's funny how a little hug

Makes everyone feel good;

In every place and language,

It's always understood.

No special equipment needed,

No batteries or parts-

Just open up your arms,

And open up your hearts.

But I’ll let Confucius have the very last word.

“Confucius, he say,”

"Passionate kiss, is like spider’s web....., 

....it leads to flies undoing". 

I hope you all have a lovely dry weekend. 

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Keep smiling!

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Now you see it. Now you don't.

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Sorry to be away from the blog arena for so long, but my monitor is still playing up.

It appears to be sensitive to temperature, (like quite a few of my body parts), and on hot days, it fires up when I switch it on, but when the ambient is below blood heat, it just will not function. (also….my body parts).

I’ve now reached a point along my old tether, when this is no longer a joke. So, on Monday I pointed the Renault in the direction of John Lewis, and made enquires to the ’technical staff’ about a replacement.   I took all the required ‘ITformation’. (DVI, VGA, UMPA UMPAH, stick it up your jumpa lead!)

He assured me everything was all ‘compatable’ these days.

So, I parted with my hard earned pension and came home ready for some boisterous blogging only to find that the connectors pins were completely different!

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Old connector - top.
New - bottom.

I tried, but I just couldn’t get it to work, so I’ve called in an expert called Frank, who is going to pop round next week, and not only sort out the monitor, but also ‘give me a service’.

He tells me that computers, over two years old, need a ‘service’. (he didn’t mention bloggers over sixty, but I’m sure they’re included in the price?)

Talking of ‘monitors’; I was once a monitor at school. I had to give out the pencils.

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To write with that is. 

Not to stick in strange places!

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Another monitor had to give out the ‘rubbers‘ (now called erasers.) 

And then we had ‘Milk monitors’ taking round small 1/3rd pint bottles of milk.

It’s strange how children in those days thought this an honour to be chosen for these menial tasks. 

Because of all my monitor problems, I’ve been missing out on quite a few of the so called celebrations. Our street party wasn’t a great success I’m afraid.

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And I believe ‘her maj’ was heard to enquire, “Is it all over yet?”

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"Can we come out now?"

“Us pensioners do need our afternoon kips you know?”

Didn’t she do well though? Standing up on that barge, surrounded by water, in the rain, for hours, and not needing to spend …. a royal penny!

I saw this in the news a while back. It made me smile.

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I shouldn’t laugh really as my poor old ‘mince pies’ are not all what they should be.

Loss of eyesight is no laughing matter is it. I couldn’t imagine how I could cope without being able to see. I’ve just had a letter from DVLC advising me that I now need to apply for a new driving licence. There were lots of ’medical’ questions including some on eyesight. 

No worries -my distance viewing is fine actually.

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But it reminded me of an old friend of mine called Len, who one day walked into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. It was a  special birthday you see. He was shown several possibilities that ranged from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opted for the sheerest item, paid the £150 and took the lingerie home. 

He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. 

Upstairs the wife thought ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – I’ll do the modelling naked -  return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself’. (trusting he had kept the receipt.)

She then appeared naked at the top of the stairs and struck up a pose.   

Wow!

Len lookup aghast.  “Stone me!” he said. “It wasn’t that creased in the shop”.

Talking of spectacles: I’m always forgetting which ones I have got on. I get to walking about with my reading glasses on, and then wonder why I keep tripping over the back door step on the way to water the tomatoes!

I had thought of bi-focals, but at my last eye-test I was recommended to try these new ultra sensitive, hi-tech, all-singing, all-dancing, top of the range, half price for the over sixties, designer-framed specs.  You’ll be able to see everything with these, they said. 

Worked a treat in Boots the chemist.

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Talking of eyesight reminded me of my friend Howard.

He was telling me that last night his wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. 

She was not happy with what she saw and said to him, 

 "I feel  horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. 

I really need you to pay me a compliment.” 

 Howard replied, "Your eyesight's perfect." 

He’s now staying with me for a few nights!

Wish mine was perfect. 

But these new specs worked just as well in Smiths the other day.

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Now, the trick here is, that those skirts are actually fabric prints!

I thought it was very well done - artistically of course.

Do you know, it has been 28 degrees in the shade here today (Thursday). 

Wes has been flaked out under the Mulberry tree, 

and I have been doing sweet FA. (Fanny Adams).

But down the road at Bisham Abbey, three of the nuns decided to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual ‘habit’ on a hot day. Anyway, about a half hour later, the door bell rang while their robes were slumped over pews at the rear of their wee chapel.

They asked who it is. "The blind man," a voice replied.

The three nuns decided to simply open the door because the poor man was blind. He walked in, looked at the nuns and said, "You’ve nice breasts! 

Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

Sorry to inflict more poor jokes on you, but after I get my new monitor installed next week, and I get this ‘service’ done, I hope you will find that Unc. B’s “Normal Service will be resumed as soon as possible.”

Take care and don’t forget to -

“Practice safe eating - always use condiments.”

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Always check the Small Print

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I have discovered that I don’t really need to buy a local paper anymore for the local news,

unless I want to buy a second-hand fridge, that is.

The papers are mostly all free on-line now,

although you don‘t usually get a £5 Tesco voucher thrown in.

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This weeks roundup

from the Local Rags included :-

‘Thame Gazette’ reporting that a lorry has shed its 5 ton load of onions all over the south bound carriageway of the M40 near Banbury.

The Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on!

‘Bucks Free Press’ carries a report that all three toilet seats had been stolen from the Police station in Princes Risborough over the weekend.

A Police spokesman said “This is very baffling, we’ve got nothing to go on!“

The ‘Maidenhead Advertiser’ reported that Angus O’Smith had been charged with murder, for killing a man with sandpaper. He pleaded ‘Not guilty’ and said that he’d only intended to rough him up a bit.

‘Thame Today’ mentioned that a bakers in Haddenham is refusing to disclose how much salt they put in their bread.

They said this information was only made available on a knead-to-know basis.

And from the ‘Buckinghamshire Examiner‘.

“An East European cleaning lady is taking her manager to court for unfair dismissal.

The company gave her the sack because it took her 5 hours to hoover just one office floor.

It turns out she was a Slovak!”

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But, I’m told, we are about to enter an even more exciting new age.

I was reading a bit in one of the ‘big boys’ papers -

“There is a massive opportunity for content producers and media providers to start to bring TV viewers into ecosystems specifically designed as part of the content they are watching, and deliver a richer experience. “

This means that if you watch a cookery program they will assume you are a ‘foodie’ and bombard you with adverts linked to food products.

The report continued -

“This sort of ‘Interactive TV’ is already here – is just doesn’t happen through your TV.” (yet!)

“Web and social media teams exist in marketing departments, and are focused on creating fans and getting people to watch the TV programs (and the ad breaks), buy the DVD, go to the movie theatre.”

I’m sure this is already happening on-line, as ever since I read various reports about the Concordia fiasco, loads of annoying little adverts on quite a few sites, have been showing me -

Cruise Holiday Offers!

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I don’t think I’ll bother this year, thank you very much!

And, I’m not actually very keen for buying things on-line.

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You see for me, there are just too many things to go wrong.

I’m one of those people who ‘attract disaster’ when sending off for things through the post.

Wrong colour, wrong size or just plain just

‘won’t work’!

If you get it from a real shop at least you can take it back, rather than having to wrap it up, cart it down the PO and pay for the return postage.

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The other thing that puts me off ,is having to punch your Debit card number into the ’bowels’ of the internet.

It’s bad enough having people watching you key in your PIN in shops and garages.

Actually, I now always pay cash for petrol, as the garage here in Bourne End was one of those caught ‘fishing’ for people’s card numbers and PINs.

I trust the ’big’ utilities.

Well you don‘t really get much choice do you?

Thames Water have just written to me to say next years Direct Debit will be £54 a month.

With the letter was leaflet from Oxfam, for ‘Aid for Africa’.

They said a £2 donation will provide a whole African village with enough water for a month.

Mmmmm,

Perhaps I should switch supplier!

This technology thing is taking over I fear. ‘Smart meters, smart phones, smart cards so that you don’t need cash anymore.

Where is it going to end?

Here’s another thing that could easily go wrong -

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“LG Smart Fridge – Launched at the CES show in Las Vegas this year,

the refrigerator has a health manager feature

to help you diet

which includes automatic re-ordering

from your online grocery account

(via bar code scanner),

displaying healthy recipes on the screen

and

communicating with a smart oven

to ensure best optimal cooking time.”

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What did I tell you!

The fridge 'automatically re-ordered'
an
'Oven Ready Bird'!

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"Hang on to your Hat."

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Jolly boating weather for some.

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But not so good for others.

Sandy Bay Yacht Club,

The following are either cancelled or postponed:

Saturday's & Sunday's Races are cancelled.

Sunday Morning Coffee is cancelled.

Sunday After Race Social is cancelled.

Sunday's Annual Meeting for Members is postponed until Sunday, September 4th at 11:00 a.m.

Ben's BBQ this Saturday night is postponed until a date to be determined.

And to make things worse I read this:-

SITUATION OVERVIEW…(from the Yacht Club Weather Bulletin)

HURRICANE IS MOVING TO THE NORTH NORTHEAST AND WILL AFFECT SOUTHERN ENGLAND SATURDAY NIGHT AND SUNDAY.

A HURRICANE WARNING CONTINUES FOR THE FOLLOWING LOCATIONS...

SOUTHERN BRISTOL...SOUTHERN PLYMOUTH...BARNSTABLE .

A TROPICAL STORM WARNING CONTINUES FOR THE FOLLOWING LOCATIONS...

...NORTHERN WORCESTER...CENTRAL MIDDLESEX...WESTERN ESSEX ...EASTERN ESSEX ...WESTERN HAMPSHIRE ...EASTERN HAMPSHIRE ...

SOUTHERN WORCESTER...WESTERN NORFOLK ...SOUTHEAST MIDDLESEX...SUFFOLK ...EASTERN NORFOLK ...NORTHERN BRISTOL ...

WESTERN PLYMOUTH ...EASTERN PLYMOUTH ...NORTHERN MIDDLESEX

AND WESTERN KENT.

THE POSSIBILITY EXISTS FOR 5 TO 10 INCHES OF RAINFALL ACROSS

SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND WITH THE HIGHEST AMOUNTS ACROSS THE

INTERIOR...PARTICULARLY THE EAST SLOPES OF THE BERKSHIRES.

THE NEXT LOCAL STATEMENT WILL BE ISSUED BY THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN TAUNTON AROUND 7 AM EDT...OR SOONER IF CONDITIONS WARRANT.

Sandy Bay Yacht Club,

Rockport, Massachusetts.

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Did that get you guessing?

Some familiar place-names mentioned here,

don't you think?

Hang on to your hat Deb!

We 're thinking of you here in little 'OLD England'.

Shame about Ben’s BBQ !

Now back over here,

I'm finding that things -

are 'getting on top of me' a bit.

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So I'm just going to have a wee break.

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Little 'b' at Weston-super-Mare, circa 1947.

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Hazel's going to miss NOTW.

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It's not easy to find "News of the World" music!

Best I could do.

However, I do have a copy of the so called 'newspaper.'

Not last weeks, nor the very last edition today,

but one from Sunday 23 December 1917.

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Bernard hoards anything!

I am a great one for raking around antique shops although these days there tends to be more junk than antiques.

But it is the 'junk' that firstly, I find more interesting and secondly more affordable.

I will always 'home in' on a pile of old music. Some places sell this at £1-2 per sheet, but others, in a bit to get rid of it may sell a whole pile for a fiver.

These piles hold hidden secrets, for between the sheets of music, all kinds of things can be found.

I have come across newspaper cuttings and even old family photographs.

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This bit above is of the First World War song "Goodbye" sang to the troops as they went off to the trenches. It was here reproduced in the newspaper and someone had saved it in with their music.

Just imagine that bit of news had been tucked in with that music for around 94 years!

The date was Sunday 23 December 1917......and look at the circulation...2,750,000 copies.

.....and an advert for Lipton's Tea. And how about a 94 year old 'tea stain'?

Here's a few bits of news -

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This paper dates back to the First World War,

when the ‘in joke’ was:-

“What is the difference between Lord Kitchener and a Beechams Pill?”

“One sends you out to the front and the other sends you out to the back.”

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and....

Real men playing real football in 1917.

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Someone in the news this morning said:-

"It was an important piece of the furniture of the UK, and closing it so abruptly as a cynical commercial manoeuvre is a disgrace, given its popularity.

Furniture!?!

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and....

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When I was a paper-boy I can remember taking a peep

into the NOTW, and also a wee publication

called 'Tit-bits'.

Anyone remember that?

This chap has given up on NOTW and moved up

in intellectual reading matter!

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I like to give Hazel something to read

when she is sitting on her 'throne'.

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Under her litter tray!

You see, I don't buy/read any newspapers.

Never have - all my life.

So I have to beg old newspapers off friends,

not only for Hazel's box, but also for lighting the fire,

in the winter.

No NOTW anymore Hazel.......

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You'll have to make do with the Bucks Free Press.

under your 'potty'!

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Talking of news papers....here's another joke to finish.

Murphy was sitting there in the Pub reading the Dublin Times, and he turns to his mate Pat and says

“Isn’t it amazing how just enough things seem to happen every day to exactly fill a newspaper!”

Must dash! - off to Flackwell Heath Cherry Fair.

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Having a Moan with the Lads.

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On Saturday I 'crossed the water' into Berkshire.

To Cookham to be precise, to meet up with a couple of

Vintage car owning mates.

There was a local get-together at the local cricket field.

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This red one is a Sunbeam, belonging to Howard,

and the one to the right is

Chris's Wolseley 18.

As we stood reminiscing and generally moaning

about the eu and all the regulations that make life hard,

look what glided passed and parked up in that space.

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An Armstrong Siddeley.

Absolutely immaculate.

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Memories flooded back.

Dad's first car was an Armstrong, and

on returning home I dug out a few of the old photos I had.

I was hoping to find the one of Dad and I at Welshpool.

We (the Armstrong actually) were towing the caravan

to Towyn in Merionethshire, mid-Wales.

I couldn't find a print, so I guess it's

still in the box of negatives.

So here is a couple of prints of our old motor.

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We used to get the back seat out and put it on the ground

to sit on.

L to R. - Pop, me, Colin, Mom, Adrian & Nan.

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This must have been one of my very first

attempts at photography.

I was only seven then, and somehow managed to

not cut anyones 'head orf'.

What a lovely shiny car. Dad loved tinkering with it.

and polishing the sphinx!

All Armstrongs had a sphinx mascot out on the front.

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This is the one on the car at Cookham.

"Armstrong Siddeley’s famous Sphinx mascot: John Davenport Siddeley first used the upright Sphinx mascot in advertisements for the Siddeley Deasy car made before the First World War. Armstrong Siddeley adopted the Sphinx when they started production in 1919 and continued until they made their last car in 1960. The Sphinx changed over the years – lay down in the 1930s and was streamlined in the 1950s."

Now when our faithful Armstrong was exchanged for a Daimler,

we kept the mascot.

I had it on the front of my Tandem for many years.

Where it is now, I know not.

It is one of many things I failed to keep when I left home.

Ian may know?

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A wee picture. It is on a bracket on the front forks.

Not only Dad had a liking for Armstrong's,

but also dear Aunty Gladys (dad's sister).

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This looks like a 1947 Armstrong 'Hurricane',

but I'm not sure.

So, on Saturday, I had a good day out with the lads.

As I said earlier, lots of moans about all this 'Elf 'n Safety rubbish

and Public Liability Insurance.

It does you good to get it 'off your chest'.

I see David the Cameroon has finally noticed how

people are getting pissed off with all these restrictions

on proposed Street Parties.

"David Cameron will today criticise councils for using red tape to prevent residents from holding street parties to celebrate the royal wedding.

Some local authorities have demanded that events have insurance cover and have charged for road closures, or demanded hosts adhere to strict health and safety rules. Mr Cameron is expected to “debunk” the myths surrounding street party rules.

A party in Rochester was cancelled after organisers were told they would have to take out £5million worth of public liability"

What is all the fuss about?

I have had to insure my "extremely dangerous" organ

before I can play at public events.

I mean - the bellows may explode and kill dozens of bystanders.

(it works on "high pressure air" at 4" water gauge)

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My £5,000,000 cover certificate for this year.

And the annual premium?

Wait for it!

£1.50

Because there is absolutely no risk,

the insurance company simply charge for admin & postage.

I had to write a cheque for £1.50.

Regulations (eu) make you want to weep.

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