Now you see it. Now you don't.

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Sorry to be away from the blog arena for so long, but my monitor is still playing up.

It appears to be sensitive to temperature, (like quite a few of my body parts), and on hot days, it fires up when I switch it on, but when the ambient is below blood heat, it just will not function. (also….my body parts).

I’ve now reached a point along my old tether, when this is no longer a joke. So, on Monday I pointed the Renault in the direction of John Lewis, and made enquires to the ’technical staff’ about a replacement.   I took all the required ‘ITformation’. (DVI, VGA, UMPA UMPAH, stick it up your jumpa lead!)

He assured me everything was all ‘compatable’ these days.

So, I parted with my hard earned pension and came home ready for some boisterous blogging only to find that the connectors pins were completely different!

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Old connector - top.
New - bottom.

I tried, but I just couldn’t get it to work, so I’ve called in an expert called Frank, who is going to pop round next week, and not only sort out the monitor, but also ‘give me a service’.

He tells me that computers, over two years old, need a ‘service’. (he didn’t mention bloggers over sixty, but I’m sure they’re included in the price?)

Talking of ‘monitors’; I was once a monitor at school. I had to give out the pencils.

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To write with that is. 

Not to stick in strange places!

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Another monitor had to give out the ‘rubbers‘ (now called erasers.) 

And then we had ‘Milk monitors’ taking round small 1/3rd pint bottles of milk.

It’s strange how children in those days thought this an honour to be chosen for these menial tasks. 

Because of all my monitor problems, I’ve been missing out on quite a few of the so called celebrations. Our street party wasn’t a great success I’m afraid.

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And I believe ‘her maj’ was heard to enquire, “Is it all over yet?”

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"Can we come out now?"

“Us pensioners do need our afternoon kips you know?”

Didn’t she do well though? Standing up on that barge, surrounded by water, in the rain, for hours, and not needing to spend …. a royal penny!

I saw this in the news a while back. It made me smile.

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I shouldn’t laugh really as my poor old ‘mince pies’ are not all what they should be.

Loss of eyesight is no laughing matter is it. I couldn’t imagine how I could cope without being able to see. I’ve just had a letter from DVLC advising me that I now need to apply for a new driving licence. There were lots of ’medical’ questions including some on eyesight. 

No worries -my distance viewing is fine actually.

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But it reminded me of an old friend of mine called Len, who one day walked into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. It was a  special birthday you see. He was shown several possibilities that ranged from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opted for the sheerest item, paid the £150 and took the lingerie home. 

He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. 

Upstairs the wife thought ‘I have an idea. It’s so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on – I’ll do the modelling naked -  return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself’. (trusting he had kept the receipt.)

She then appeared naked at the top of the stairs and struck up a pose.   

Wow!

Len lookup aghast.  “Stone me!” he said. “It wasn’t that creased in the shop”.

Talking of spectacles: I’m always forgetting which ones I have got on. I get to walking about with my reading glasses on, and then wonder why I keep tripping over the back door step on the way to water the tomatoes!

I had thought of bi-focals, but at my last eye-test I was recommended to try these new ultra sensitive, hi-tech, all-singing, all-dancing, top of the range, half price for the over sixties, designer-framed specs.  You’ll be able to see everything with these, they said. 

Worked a treat in Boots the chemist.

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Talking of eyesight reminded me of my friend Howard.

He was telling me that last night his wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. 

She was not happy with what she saw and said to him, 

 "I feel  horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. 

I really need you to pay me a compliment.” 

 Howard replied, "Your eyesight's perfect." 

He’s now staying with me for a few nights!

Wish mine was perfect. 

But these new specs worked just as well in Smiths the other day.

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Now, the trick here is, that those skirts are actually fabric prints!

I thought it was very well done - artistically of course.

Do you know, it has been 28 degrees in the shade here today (Thursday). 

Wes has been flaked out under the Mulberry tree, 

and I have been doing sweet FA. (Fanny Adams).

But down the road at Bisham Abbey, three of the nuns decided to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual ‘habit’ on a hot day. Anyway, about a half hour later, the door bell rang while their robes were slumped over pews at the rear of their wee chapel.

They asked who it is. "The blind man," a voice replied.

The three nuns decided to simply open the door because the poor man was blind. He walked in, looked at the nuns and said, "You’ve nice breasts! 

Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

Sorry to inflict more poor jokes on you, but after I get my new monitor installed next week, and I get this ‘service’ done, I hope you will find that Unc. B’s “Normal Service will be resumed as soon as possible.”

Take care and don’t forget to -

“Practice safe eating - always use condiments.”

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