"Eat, Drink and be Merry"

.

Do you know - (OK, a silly question - of course you don‘t) - that I have probably spent the best part of the last twenty years trying to lose weight?

It must have been around 1992 when I went the quacks because I had rediscovered the delights and problems that I had had as a child - namely asthma. My poor Granddad suffered terribly, and I can remember him puffing away in the wood shed on so called ‘Asthma cigarettes’ and probably making things worse for him. 

.

A Smoking Gradpa toy.

I guess that asthma, like our long noses, must have ‘run’ in the family, as without fail, after a compulsory ‘cross-country’ five mile run, I would be off school for at least two days, wheezing and puffing and forced to inhale, from under a tea-towel, a hot vapour, known in those days as ’Friar’s Balsam’. 

Of course, as a child I had visions of this sly monk brewing up a foul mixture in this vast iron pot in a remote monastery way down in the West Country.  Later in life, maybe ten years later, I was to enjoy a totally different and most pleasurable liqueur from a monastery, not in Devon, but from Normandy in France, known as Benedictine.

The brew from the Devon Benedictine Abbey was just a ‘tonic wine’.

Never mind, still a good reason to enjoy a visit to the Abbey in Buckfastleigh, Devon. 

A travelling friar named Phipps,

Called at Heaven on one of his trips.

He quickly sold God

Ten penn’orth of Cod,

And St. Peter - two penn’orth of chips!

Enough of tonics, back to foul medicine.

For asthma, there was also this horrid concoction called ‘Liqufruta’ tasting of liquorice (which I love) and garlic which, (thanks to ‘Liqufruta Garlic Cough Medicine’) I cannot bear to this day. (Sorry ladies.)

.

True! It's used for killing Vampires!

.

Another ‘smelly’ thing Mom used on us was Vick. It was supposed to ‘open the nose’ and ‘sooth the throat’, but we boys could never understand why it was rubbed on our chests?

.

.

Pam Ayres was also a devotee -

I’m sitting on the sofa,

By the fire and staying in,

Me head is free of comfort

And me nose is free of skin.

Me friends have run for cover,

They have left me pale and sick

With me pockets full of tissues

And me nostrils full of Vick.

I expect it all helped, but strange as it might seem, after getting into my teens and enjoying cider, girls, beer, real ale and more girls, the ‘tight-chest-iness’ (and choir-boy voice) disappeared.                

So for thirty years from then, I had been ‘wheeze-free’ and Doc free. **

**(As an aside, and this is perfectly true, I had been down here in Bucks for nigh on thirty years, and my registered  Doctor had been a hundred miles away back in Kings Norton! The anomaly was discovered when my dear old Dad went to see Dr. McCulloch, and he enquired as to how ‘young’ Bernard was, as he not seen him for some time. Dad of course revealed my whereabouts and it was then that I then had to register with a local doctor.)

.

.

Doctors, dentists and checkups; not something I actually look forward to. 

I went for my routine check-up last Tuesday and everything seemed to be going fine until he stretched on a surgical glove and stuck his index finger up my backside! 

Woops, I thought. It’s about time I found myself a new dentist!

But seriously, I did receive a good, but unwelcome, check-up.

And I thought I was Doc free!

But all good things come to an end.

Doc did give me an ‘inhaler’, BUT he also checked my heart, my liver and my triglycerides, my blood pressure and my credentials, all my bits & pieces and cholesterol levels as well. 

I was caught, ‘Hook, line and sinker.’ 

Once ‘they’ have got you they never let go! 

So now in addition, I also take these blood-pressure pills, water-pills and things called Statins! 

I was also then instructed to lose weight.

Then, when I told him I couldn’t stop singing 

'The Green, Green Grass of Home', 

he said I probably had ‘Tom Jones Syndrome‘.

.

.

"Is it common?" I said.

“Well,” he replied,

"It's Not Unusual."

A low fat diet was called for, I was told.

Well, I’ve been on skimmed milk (0.1% fat) for 20 years now. Haven’t lost an ounce!

I don’t use butter or any other ‘spreads’. Haven’t lost an ounce!

.

.

I don’t eat any cakes, sweets, choccies or biscuits. (except of course Jan’s Cookies).

And - you’ve guessed. Haven’t lost an ounce!

No chips or fried foods, in fact, years ago I actually gave away my frying pan.

And drink? They always ask you about that don’t they?

“Let me see your hands.” the doctor said. “Mmm, they are a bit shaky.“

“Do you drink much?”

“No,” I said. “I spill most of it.”

And then of course he asked about smoking and exercise.

Well, I have never smoked. 

No, never.

“What never?” He enquired. 

No! Not never.

“Not ever?”

(Sounds a wee bit Gilbert & Sullivan here.)

Well, maybe years ago on a wee pipe that I bought in Austria.

.

.

But not for the last forty years.

However, when I was a lad smoking was not considered bad for you. In fact there were these adverts like this one encouraging it to help you lose weight.

.

.

“And exercise?” He enquired.

Well, every morning I begin by standing on a comfortable surface where I have plenty of room at each side.  Then with a 5 lb potato bag in each hand I extend my arms straight out from my sides and I hold them there as long as I can.  I try to reach a full minute and then I relax..

As each day passes, I find that I can hold this position for just a bit longer.  After a couple of weeks I move up to 10 lb potato bags.

I then try 50 lb potato bags and eventually I try to get to where I can get to lift a 100 lb potato bag in each hand and hold my arms straight for more than a full minute.

Eventually, once I’ve mastered this, I feel confident to put a potato into each bag.......

Still haven’t lost an ounce.

So he suggest I try a Mediterranean diet.

Now this looks a really interesting diet, apart from the garlic! (Thanks to that ‘aversion therapy’ from Liqufruta.)  

Pasta, olive oil, tomatoes, peppers and wine!

(And always avoid the - miles from the Mediterranean, 

really-bad-for-you, high-calorie Yorkshire Pudding.)

It said preferably drink red wine as it contains anti-oxidants. 

Now I know for a fact, that I have loads of ‘oxidants‘. 

I get them behind the ears, under the arms and around the crutch!

At last I have a cure - Red Wine.

So, last Wednesday I was in Sainsbury’s buying up some bottles of Chianti, Bardolino and Montepulciano….  

Some lovely ‘oily’ fish, and not forgetting, a few red peppers and some olive oil.

.

.

And home grown tomatoes and courgettes.

Word must have got around as when I got home, there were these two women at the door, doing a survey on weight loss. 

They asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for a whole 30 minutes!

I think they were just Hovis Witnesses.

.

.

Make ‘light’ of all your troubles, 

and may all your ‘weight problems’ be little ones!

Salute!

.

.