.
I thought of doing a few 'Cracker Jokes' today,
but I think that some the ones I dug up were best left buried.
These jokes are, of course only meant to be read once,
and after the essential "groaaaaan!",
are discarded with all the rest of the Christmas unwrapping.
OK. If you twist my arm....here's a few.
My dad used to work in a tiddlywink factory. But he didn’t like it.
He said it was counter productive.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
What does the Queen do when she burps?
She issues a royal pardon.
What goes yellow, blue, yellow, blue?
Nick Clegg on a spin cycle.
Now, how about this for OTT
.
.
The ultimate in Christmas crackers.
From Harrods - 'Very Gold'.
Luxury gifts include MP3 player, £599 for six.
A few years ago a magazine identified the best,
– or at least most satisfying,
– cracker joke of recent times as being:
“What’s Santa’s favourite pizza?”
“One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.”
Like this one, perhaps?
.
.
Lovely Grub - Nice and 'crispy'.
Now what was I going to blog about?
Oh yes, Christmas presents.
I got side-tracked onto Crackers.
Some years back, in fact I think it was when my Father died, I discussed with the family about not bothering with buying, giving, receiving, sending, posting presents any more.
When it becomes a worry about what to buy, and when you start receiving things you don't need or want (however kind the intention), I think the time has come to 'call it a day'.
So we did.
However, the lack of colourful pressies around the Christmas tree left quite a noticeable gap.
One day later, I saw a shop assistant wrapping up empty boxes for the Christmas window display. What a good idea.
And a way of using up those odd ends of wrapping paper from the previous year.
These empty boxes were saved from year to year and most years were added to.
.
.
Here, in my 'closet', are last years waiting to see the light once more.
Not having any presents can be a drawback I suppose, but every year I buy myself something I have really wanted or really need.
No surprises any more.
But on the upside I always get a "Just What I Wanted" present.
The results of another shopping trip.
.
.
"Dreamies" for Hazel/Wes.
Crystallized Ginger & Mince pies.
But what have I there? A new pair of slippers!
There once was a time when ties, handkerchiefs and slippers were something I could bank on being given!
I never thought I'd see the day when I bought myself a pair of slippers for Christmas!
Hence the glass of Ginger Wine to calm my nerves!
Hazel on the other hand had an interesting parcel arrive on Saturday.
.
.
Smelt good too.
.
Morning Bernard of UKIP fame.
ReplyDeleteNot to forget-What's big, grey and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.
Or-What disease can you catch from putting up too many Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis.
Or-What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
Or-WHAT do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!
Or even-What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics.
How about-A man goes to see his Doctor and says: "Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom."
The Doctors takes a look and replies: "That's only the tip of the iceberg."
Or-What's brown, steams and comes out of Cowes?
The Isle of Wight ferry.
Even-What's orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas?
Fanta Claus!
How about-An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Maybe-What's got two grey legs and two brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhoea.
Enough! I hear you cry;)
I could go on all day but I think I have tortured you to the edge.
Like the "dreamies" I am sure Hazel and Wesley will appreciate those, ginger wine-that brings back memories of when I used to imbibe and add it to a nice single malt, what is in Haze's pressy?-mice flavoured treats?
Angus!
ReplyDeleteNow we know exactly who it is who writes these.
Is it piece work? :)
Either that or you have the "Les Dawson Dictionary of Corny Cracker Jokes".
Foody usually makes her own crackers at Christmas and is always on the lookout for new material. Soooooo, she may be grateful for those gems. :)
(The was a bit int'Torygraph this fine Morn.)
Bernard and Angus: those cracker jokes are funny :D
ReplyDeleteThose aren't anchovies on that pizza - where on earth did you dig up that photo.
The green ginger wine sounds good.
Merry Christmas ♥♥♥
Kate
Kate:
ReplyDeleteI said some time ago I thought my blog was going 'downhill'. It must be true when the comments get as many (if not more) laughs than the original post! :)
No......those are not anchovies.
They are Mealy worms!
That was Robin, a local chap who claims they are a good source of protein! :)
It's a gift Bernard:) or a curse depending which way you look at it.
ReplyDeleteIf you need any more let me know, I have a box full.
"but every year I buy myself something I have really wanted or really need"
ReplyDeleteOne year I got a hose reel, another year a sledge hammer, this year a fireplace LOL
I couldnt agree more Uncle Bernard, the time comes for enough bubble bath and socks :-D
It sounds like a good idea to treat yourself. You could always wrap those things up just for fun and open them on Christmas day :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree Bernard that in this day and age we seem to have everything we want or need and buying other "stuff" we don't want or need is just a waste of money. If we could just get everyone back to thinking it is the thought that counts and not how much you spend we might go back to gifts we appreciate - home made goodies for instance and spending time with the people who matter most to us. I'm one of those people who dread Christmas because of all the work involved in the heat of Summer.
ReplyDeleteCheers
Helen
Angus, thanks.
ReplyDeleteI expect Foody would have been interested in those jokes a couple of weeks ago, as she was making her Crackers.
Next year perhaps?
Hi Kath. :D
A hosereel, a sledgehammer and a fireplace!
Now if you were to think of another nine items, I could put it all to music and it could be a big hit for Christmas 2011. LOL xx
A good idea Cherie, :)
except that there would be no surprises! :o
Helen,
Christmas day in the heat of Summer! :)
I think eventually people may go back to the simple things. It really has got tooooo commercialised. Here, the cold weather, snow and now ice, has kept people away from the shops. You can probably hear the shopkeeper's groans, moans and wailing as far as Brisbane!
I have come to the conclusion that unless it's ephemeral or consumable,the best present you can get is one you have chosen yourself. People will rarely hit the mark choosing things for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope Hazel liked what she found.
The slippers look cosy. I like sheepskin moccasins too.
AAAAAAAAArggghghghghghg!!!! What a terrible, tactless thing I have said in my last comment! Bin it if you like, or leave it there for reference. Some of my best ever presents have been the unexpected surprises. When people KNOW you will love a thing, they hit the mark. It's when they don't know you or know what you like that it is better that you choose yourself because you end up with things you doon't want but feel you ought to keep. Unless of course they are ephemeral or consumable. I find that friends are good at choosing presents for each other, but families are not. Your friends really know you; your family doesn't. You talk to your friends about stuff you would never say to your family. At least it is so in my case.
ReplyDeleteI've made my crackers but I will keep the jokes for anothe ryear. Thank you, Bernard.
Hi Foody,
ReplyDeleteWorry not. :)
I will get back to you, when I get a minute.
Very busy at the moment. :)
Cheers, cheers and more cheers. :)