Always check the Small Print

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I have discovered that I don’t really need to buy a local paper anymore for the local news,

unless I want to buy a second-hand fridge, that is.

The papers are mostly all free on-line now,

although you don‘t usually get a £5 Tesco voucher thrown in.

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This weeks roundup

from the Local Rags included :-

‘Thame Gazette’ reporting that a lorry has shed its 5 ton load of onions all over the south bound carriageway of the M40 near Banbury.

The Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on!

‘Bucks Free Press’ carries a report that all three toilet seats had been stolen from the Police station in Princes Risborough over the weekend.

A Police spokesman said “This is very baffling, we’ve got nothing to go on!“

The ‘Maidenhead Advertiser’ reported that Angus O’Smith had been charged with murder, for killing a man with sandpaper. He pleaded ‘Not guilty’ and said that he’d only intended to rough him up a bit.

‘Thame Today’ mentioned that a bakers in Haddenham is refusing to disclose how much salt they put in their bread.

They said this information was only made available on a knead-to-know basis.

And from the ‘Buckinghamshire Examiner‘.

“An East European cleaning lady is taking her manager to court for unfair dismissal.

The company gave her the sack because it took her 5 hours to hoover just one office floor.

It turns out she was a Slovak!”

- + -

But, I’m told, we are about to enter an even more exciting new age.

I was reading a bit in one of the ‘big boys’ papers -

“There is a massive opportunity for content producers and media providers to start to bring TV viewers into ecosystems specifically designed as part of the content they are watching, and deliver a richer experience. “

This means that if you watch a cookery program they will assume you are a ‘foodie’ and bombard you with adverts linked to food products.

The report continued -

“This sort of ‘Interactive TV’ is already here – is just doesn’t happen through your TV.” (yet!)

“Web and social media teams exist in marketing departments, and are focused on creating fans and getting people to watch the TV programs (and the ad breaks), buy the DVD, go to the movie theatre.”

I’m sure this is already happening on-line, as ever since I read various reports about the Concordia fiasco, loads of annoying little adverts on quite a few sites, have been showing me -

Cruise Holiday Offers!

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I don’t think I’ll bother this year, thank you very much!

And, I’m not actually very keen for buying things on-line.

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You see for me, there are just too many things to go wrong.

I’m one of those people who ‘attract disaster’ when sending off for things through the post.

Wrong colour, wrong size or just plain just

‘won’t work’!

If you get it from a real shop at least you can take it back, rather than having to wrap it up, cart it down the PO and pay for the return postage.

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The other thing that puts me off ,is having to punch your Debit card number into the ’bowels’ of the internet.

It’s bad enough having people watching you key in your PIN in shops and garages.

Actually, I now always pay cash for petrol, as the garage here in Bourne End was one of those caught ‘fishing’ for people’s card numbers and PINs.

I trust the ’big’ utilities.

Well you don‘t really get much choice do you?

Thames Water have just written to me to say next years Direct Debit will be £54 a month.

With the letter was leaflet from Oxfam, for ‘Aid for Africa’.

They said a £2 donation will provide a whole African village with enough water for a month.

Mmmmm,

Perhaps I should switch supplier!

This technology thing is taking over I fear. ‘Smart meters, smart phones, smart cards so that you don’t need cash anymore.

Where is it going to end?

Here’s another thing that could easily go wrong -

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“LG Smart Fridge – Launched at the CES show in Las Vegas this year,

the refrigerator has a health manager feature

to help you diet

which includes automatic re-ordering

from your online grocery account

(via bar code scanner),

displaying healthy recipes on the screen

and

communicating with a smart oven

to ensure best optimal cooking time.”

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What did I tell you!

The fridge 'automatically re-ordered'
an
'Oven Ready Bird'!

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When is a Parrot, a Parakeet?

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I have to admit that I don't really

know the difference between

a Cockatoo and a Parakeet.

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A little Mantovani number.

I do know that we have quite a lot of

these noisy, but colourful birds

in quite a number of areas,

including Bourne End.

I've been trying for years to get

photographs of them, but as soon as they spot you

they are off!

Just before Christmas I heard their

squawks very close indeed.

In fact they were next door, up in Norman's tree.

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I tried hard to zoom in on them,

but from inside my kitchen

was not the ideal location.

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Opened the back door carefully....

......and they were off like a shot.

Never mind, this below is what

they look like close up. 

(Not my photo)

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Monk Parakeets.

Wiki tells me they are also know as

the Quaker Parrots.

So now I have 'Parrots'

'Cockatoos'

&

'Parakeets'

to choose from!

The population in 2011 is believed to be around 150 in the Home Counties. The Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs announced plans to control them to counter the threat to infrastructure, crops and native British wildlife by trapping and re-homing, removing nests and shooting when necessary.

150? Is that all?

There are about 50, 

in the Cookham/Bourne End area alone.

I put bird seed out most days in the Winter months.

I scatter it on the ground,

away from the house in an open position.

(Just in case cats are hiding in the hedges.)

Wesley is not in the slightest interested.

He just likes a sit in the sun,

as he did this last Friday.  

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...until,

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Someone found my seed.

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"What are you doing in my patch?"

Wow!

What a difference a day makes!

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"Ah, good!"  "No ginger cat."

"But shucks! No seed either."

That's because Unc B. was not going to go out

any further than his back door.

I put it on the small table this weekend.

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I noticed all the papers are full of

all this cold and chaos, so for a change,

I have put up a wee video of the garden in Spring.

It serves two purposes.

Firstly, to cheer you all up and

secondly I wanted to remember my

next door neighbour who sadly passed away

in January, aged 80. 

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We had been neighbours for twenty years,

almost exactly to the day.

Over those years we used to swap cuttings and plants.

All those red tulips you see above, 

are always referred to as "Norman's Tulips".

He dug them up by the bucketful.

He is not forgotten here.

RIP

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"Ee bah gum. I loves a bit of history."

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Just before Christmas, I had an email from Sylvie telling me about how she had found an old song by Gracie Fields. 

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Sylvie said -

“When I was a child,  ’Fanny Fernackerpan’ was used as a kind of jollying-up name to get me to do something but I never realised it was a song, until a few years ago, I came across – something – an old magazine, perhaps, which had it printed out in a song format.”

So, before searching through my piles of sheet music, I thought I would google ‘Fanny Fernackerpan‘ and see what turned up. It appears there were several different spellings of this name, but all referred to either the Gracie Fields song or old 1930‘s expressions for being ‘finicky‘, ‘pernickity' or as Sylvie said more politely, 

‘Move your a**e’.

Now here are two old words you don’t often come across,  but our Mom was always telling us boys not to be so finicky as we poked around in our kippers looking for the smallest of bones!

My dictionary tells me -

finicky ['f?n?k?], finicking

adj

1. excessively particular, as in tastes or standards; fussy

2. full of trivial detail; over elaborate.

And what about pernickity? 

Well, digging deep into my Scottish Dictionary -

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Yes, I have a 'English-Scottish' Dictionary.

"pernickity"

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"She's far owre pernickity."

But back now to Fanny, or Fan.

Someone on the web said -

I vaguely remember Fan Fanackapan; I think it was my great aunt who used

it. I have to admit I always took any of these phrases used on me as

telling me I was being a ‘pain in the behind‘.

Another tells us -

Fanny Fernackepan has always been used in my family to get the attention of somebody who had wandered off from the group when we were out as in - 

"Oi Fanny Fernackerpan! Over here!" 

Now to find the name in a Gracie Fields song.

It didn’t take long to unearth it, as the name was actually in the title, but not a Fanny Fernackerpan, more a Fred.

The title is “Fred Fannakapan” 

and it was written and composed in 1932 by Reg Low.

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Gracie Fields sang and recorded this comic song, which is about a sister's new fiance who had been invited round to the family home for everyone to scrutinise  the poor fellow.

Can you just imagine going round to your girlfriend for tea, when all of the girl’s relations turn up to give you ’once over’? 

As with many sayings the general opinion seems to be that the name pre-dates the Gracie Fields' song, but no-one seems to know when it originated.

During my searching I also uncovered a poem by the late Spike Milligan.

"I am a mystery goblin. 

I'm Fred Fernackerpan. 

I wear one sock that's yellow, 

the other dipped in jam. 

I walk about the countryside, 

I walk about the town. 

Sometimes with my trousers up, 

and sometimes with them down. 

And when they were up, 

they were up. 

And when they were down, 

they were down. 

And when they were only half way up. 

I was arrested."

And here is a lovely old recording from 1932.

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Gracie sings Fred Fannakapan
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And if you want to 'sing along' -

FRED FANNAKAPAN 


There's been a bit of bother through our sister Mary Ann,
She had a sweetheart and his name was Fred Fannakapan.
She said, “I'll ask him home to tea, he'd love to look around,“
So all our family turned up to see what she had found.


There was Father and Mother and sister Mary Ann,
All waiting to welcome Fred Fannakapan.
There were Uncles and Aunties and others of our clan,
All waiting to welcome Fred Fannakapan.


Round the kitchen table they sat twiddling their thumbs,
When they heard the door bell ring they all said, “Here he comes.“
Father said “You look a gump, the same as Mary Ann,
Sit down and make tha-self at home, Fred Fannakapan.“


The family then questioned Fred as fast as they could speak,
How much he'd got in bank-book and how much he earn’d a week?
He didn't say a word, so Father said, “It seems to me,
The poor gump’s proper poorly, let him have a sup of tea.“



There were pancakes and pork pies and plates of beef and ham,
All waiting to welcome Fred Fannakapan,
There was cold tripe and trotters and lots of bread and jam
All waiting to welcome Fred Fannakapan.


Fred sat there without a word, as mournful as can be,
Mother said, “What ails thee lad, get on and have tha tea.”
He said, “My teeth have fallen out, I dropped them as I ran.“
And the only one who couldn't eat was Fred Fannakapan.


We finished tea and sat there looking like a flock of sheep,
And Mary Ann was so fed up she went right off to sleep.
Then Father said, “We can't sit here like images all night,
Let's have a drink and then perhaps the lad will feel alright.”

There was whiskey and brandy and port wine in a can,
All waiting to welcome Fred Fannakapan,
There was bottled ale and bottled stout, enough to fill a van,
All waiting to welcome Fred Fannakapan.


Then we heard a knock and someone said, “Is Freddy here?
It's eight o'clock and time for you to be in bed, my dear.“
He said, “My Mother's come for me,“ and out he quickly ran,
And that's the last we ever saw of Fred Fannakapan.


--+--

"Ee bah gum. I loves a bit of history."

and a joke!


Fred, a Yorkshire farmer,
went into a jewellers shop in Harrogate.
He was constantly chewing.
The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Aye" he said, still chewing.
"I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl,
watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said.
"It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".

Eyes are so Difficult.

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Just before Christmas, I did a post about some of my drawings that I did at school.

You all, very kindly, 

said nice things about them and even asked to see a few more.

Well, perhaps one day I’ll dig out a few of the better ones. 

Actually, all these years on, I don’t think they are all that good, but there again, I‘m not sure that I could do any better today as I now need specs. for doing anything and everything!

Among the many comments to that blog, Jane left this one (part of)…

 “Your scraperboard drawing brought back memories - 

I used to like having a go at that - 

mind you I was not as expert as you.”

And then Francien added:-

“Well sir...I am a bit disappointed......no cats!!”

“Uncle B., I would love to see a cat picture.”

And then a similar request from Marilyn:

"As Francien said - What, no cats? 

I'll wager you have some drawings or could do them now."

I did, in those days, draw many subjects, 

some turned out better than others. 

Being an engineering sort of chap, 

my drawings of buildings seemed to come out best. 

Indeed the only pictures I have ever had published, 

were Pub drawings for Local Good Beer Guides.  

They were similar to this ‘etching’ of The Green Man. (drawn circa 1975).

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The Green Man.

After a bit of searching I did find a picture to perhaps, 

keep Francien and Marilyn happy.

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I was not all that happy with it, as I don’t think the eyes are correct. 

But, with scraperboard - 

once you have scraped away the black surface - 

that’s it!

(Actually, you can make minor corrections with Indian Ink.)

Eliza kindly suggested that I get going again:

“Those drawings are fantastic. 

Perhaps you should get your sketch pad out again.”

And more encouragement from Jan too:

“I love all your pieces and I hope you'll do some new ones.”

At this stage, I didn’t know what Jan had included in the ‘Cookie’ parcel from California. 

It wasn‘t until Christmas Day that I opened that extra ‘pressy’.

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A set of Drawing Pencils! (see picture lower down).

Thanks Jan. 

It is true that after all these years, 

I would not have been able to find even one pencil, 

let alone, six different grades!

So, I thought “I better try my hand at a little sketching - 

something easy for starters.”

I bet I’ve lost the knack after forty years.  

So, as requested, 

I thought I would see if I could do a better cat drawing for you?

And what better cat is there to start with, 

than Wesley?

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Eyes are so difficult.

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Nearly done.

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"You can get down now!"

"It's finished."

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Well, it's better than that early scraper-board.

"What do you think, Little Wes?"

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"I think it's time for my Felix!"

and
Unc. Bernard needs a coffee!

Blogger has just told me this is -
my 500th blog post.

(You poor souls!)

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"Nothin' on t'box t'night!"

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I expect many of you have been saying how, over Christmas, there was "Nothing on the telly worth watching".

I have suspected this might have been the case, for over seven years, for that is how long I have rejoiced for the lack of the 'idiot lantern' in the corner of my room.

Please don't get me wrong....if what they serve up, is what you enjoy, then great - they have a happy customer, but it's not for me.

Over the last ten years, or maybe more, the quality (so I'm told) has gone from bad to worse.

But lo and behold!

All is not lost.

Those glorious days of yore, have been preserved and the humour of yesteryear can still bring tears of laughter to your eyes. If, of course you enjoy, what I enjoyed all those years ago, when I could afford a TV licence!

Twenty-five, maybe thirty years ago, I creased myself up laughing at the performances of the 'Two Ronnies' on Saturday night.

I remember thinking, "Oh, I wish I could record that - just to catch those magical words again.

Ronnie Barker was just so clever with our English language. Then, it was a 'blink and you missed it for ever' situation. But, as I said, all is not lost, thanks to YT and those wonderfull people who have saved these clips. 

They are all there if you go and look.

"Knock and the door will open.

Seek and ye shall find."

There they all were.

Which should I choose?

All brilliant.

Well, I chose, English Country Dancing. (as I cannot forget, from my schooldays - all those big girls bums jiggling about in front of me!) 

And, of course, English Folk Song - as, all these years on, I can still remember all the chords, but not a single line of the words!

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Last night I was watching a program on iPlayer about New England.

So, for all my friends on the t'other side of the pond, we English, are just as eccentric as ever - and enjoying life to the full.

We must enjoy it whilst we can,
 - we only get 'one innings'.