"The Conkering Hero Comes"

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She was the Blacksmith's daughter, I was the village swain,

We never did our courting, down any old country lane...

.....'twas

Under the spreading Chestnut tree

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This song, from 1938, was described as "A Novelty Singing Dance Sensation" and came complete with instructions on the strange antics to be performed. If you used to watch "Dad's Army" you may remember the whole platoon doing these actions to keep their spirits up whilst awaiting rescue from a trapped building.

Ah, autumn, the smell of burning leaves and.......playing conkers.

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Poulton village hall in Gloucestershire is not only content with being the location for the International Conker Festival, but is also, a bulwark against the malign edicts of ‘Elf ‘n Safety.

In 2004 one school banned conkers because of fears of nut allergies! Another school said that the horse chestnut could be considered an offensive weapon. Cummersdale Primary in Cumbria lets children play, but they have to wear goggles. In reality the number of bans has been small, and the ‘Elf ‘n Safety Executive has publicly backed the game. But they have contributed to a sense that traditional pursuits are under threat.

But back in Poulton there is cider in one corner, real ale in the other and in between, refereed by the local Conservative councillor, a dozen teams ready to battle it out for the Poulton conker shield.

Who is to be this years champion?

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What makes a good conker?

Size: A bigger conker may seem like a sure bet, but it could be prone to splitting. Big or small, it is hard to know exactly how dense an individual conker is unless you X-ray it. One that looks like a glossy killer on the outside may well contain structural flaws inside

Weight: Small, hard conkers are considered the best. You can cheat by storing last season’s conkers for a year, giving them plenty of time to become rock-like. These “laggies” are frowned on in competition

Hardness: Ploys to increase hardness include baking your conker in the oven, coating it in nail varnish or soaking it in vinegar. All of these methods will armour-plate your conkers, but don’t enter competitions with them — the organisers of the World Conker Championships consider it cheating

The hole: Often overlooked, the hole you drill through your conker will likely be its Achilles’ heel. Conkers tend to break along fault lines that begin as small nicks in an uneven string hole. For the best results, clamp the conker lightly in a vice and carefully bore out a medium-sized hole using a drill

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Now you know.

See you all in Poulten next year.

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